| lyf is so odd |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|01:24 am] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Selina-Dreaming of You | ] |
it's almost 1:30am and I definately should be asleep by now. i know i'll be kickn myself in the mornin when i hafta wake up. i was lookn up limos and places to stay at hampton afta prom, checked my mail, then did the whole myspace thing. i still look at sum1s myspace, even tho they took me off their friends list..just to make sure they're doin alright. i feel so weird n stupid to admit that. it's so easy to hate her, but it's so hard to admit that i still care. it's late at night, times like these that i'm just up thinkn. i love mollie soo much and i know that if we can make it thru the first 4mths while i'm at purdue, we'll be just fine. i know if ne1 reads this they'll think i'm retarded cuz they'll know who i'm talkn about n well yah issues. but who cares, i don't really have friends neways so who are they to care? i have conversations at school, work, soccer, etc w/ppl, but i only really hang out w/mollie n megs. i wish the beginnin of this yr never happened. i should've ended it sooner, but i just couldn't..i was in love. for those of u who have been helplessly in love before, u know the feeln. i'm a lesbian n i've finally decided that. i went back n forth for yrs tryn to pick a side, and just stuck to bi cuz i was scared of the lesbian title. well, i'm a lesbian. there it is. i've had various torments for it, but in the end, seeing my baby's smile just makes it all better. but yah there are times where i really don't hate that sum1. i wonder if they ever feel that way. i threw my notes away w/my dead hamster. i thought i'd keep em forever, but after extensive torment, i gave up. heh i feel like sum idiot abused wife or sumethn. they hurt me n still i care for them. sumtimes i look back at comments they'd leave me or journal entries from when we chilled. i hope my name is still in their yrbook, that'd make me feel a lil better n not so retarded. i'll never forget those 2am calls lol or that last note they wrote to me. they'd wanted to talk about a week ago n that surprised the hell outta me, but i was up for it. i went to meet em n yah..i felt retarded..i went to go have a bagel n milk w/myself..good time. but yah i can't regret being in love ever, it's such a great feeling, even if u do get hurt. sux to think that they never loved me bak..but what can ya do? i believe it's better to have loved n lost than never to have loved at all. best of luck if i never get the chance to talk to them again. |
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| ski trip |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|08:20 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Monica-Angel of Mine | ] |
i've been wantn to write bout the ski trip on monday, but i've been either too lazy or too tired. well i just woke up from my nap, so i suppose i'll use this energy. sunday night demonico n i worked. the ski trip was supposed to be demonico, mollie, eric(my brother), and i. so i worked till 9 n megs worked till close. when i left i went to mollie's n got her board n chilled for a bit till demonico called. from there, i went to her house n got her skis, boots, poles, etc n went bak to my house. we put everyones stuff into the van n went home cuz megs was sleepn ova. well she got really sick n hadta go home. so the next mornin eric n i went to get mollie n headed up to attitash. omg it was the longest drive. i had got directions from the attitash website n called them, n both gamme the same directions, which was to take 16 all the way up. omg rt16 was like a shit drive. we left at 7:30 n didn't get there till almost noon. i know it snowed n everythin, but damn wut a long drive. so we got up there, got our tix n got on the slopes. we expected mollie to do poorly, but actually she wasn't that bad. i felt so bad when on some of the slopes u hadta push urself at the bottom; she really tired herself out as a boarder. then at like 3 one of her bindings broke at the top of the mountain, so she hadta go down the whole way n cross to the other mountain w/only one foot completely strapped in. i felt sooo bad. then we went to the van, put our stuff in, and left. we were really hungry so we stopped n ate at pizza hut. we all had personal pan pizzas n breadsticks. i mean cmon we don't have pizza huts around here, so y not go there. the waitress..normajean(yes, that's really her name) saw my tryn to warm mollie up n told us that she was telln her manager how adoreable we are. seriouslyl, do i really hafta go to northern new hampshire to not hear negative things? lol i saw a sign for 93 on the way bak so instead of that rt16 crap i took a few routes n in an hr i was on 93s..very happy bout that. mollie n eric got to sleep the way home. of course they occasionally woke up, but it was cute. so we went to my house n brought the ski clothes in n watched sumethn i don't remember. then i got to sleep at her house that night n fall asleep w/our arms around eachother. aww hehehe
tuesday i had off n i was to be home by 2:30. so i brought mollie bak to my house. we dropped off demonico's ski stuff, mollie's ski stuff, got gas for the car. i intensionally took the van so erin could take she n eric to her dentist appt, but noo i was in w.billerica n eric calls telln me how im drivn cuz erin doesn't feel like it; bitch. so yah mollie n i dropped them n of course eric asked for an egg n cheese croisont(sp) so did that..spoiled bitches n looked for pretty woman cuz we were determined to watch it, but it wasn't at the blockbuster in tewks. so we picked them up n went on our quest to find the movie. we eventually found it at billerica center's blockbuster. so we got that n vanity fair n went bak home n watched em till i hadta take her home at 10. we didn't get to finish vanity fair. she called at like 10:45 n we talked till she was falln asleep, said our sweet dreams n that was that.
wednesday i worked 10-5 game room for ashley. i forgot how much i hate, HATE game room. so at 5 i left n picked mollie up, got her a jr frosty, got toner cigs n pants, n went bak to chucke's. just as we were leavn i felt tokens being thrown at me..it was megs n paul's fiance, sarah. it was a nice convo till meg told us that it's unbelieveable that mollie is allowed over my house. w/that rude comment we left n went bak to my house. mom was off last nite so we had pizza n dad made choc. chip cookies..soo good n we watched vanity fair n did laundry ;) doin laundry is fun lol. then around 11:30 mom said it was k that i can sleepova mollie's, she talked till about 12:30 n then i went to mollie's. she gamme a massage n then um yeah..bed.
woke up this mornin n went to the bank, got gas, went to dunkins, dropped movies off at blockbuster, took mollie to her appt, dropped her at work n went to get sammy. yes, i hung out w/sam today. i hadn't chilled w/her since like summer. we went to see Hide and Seek and then went to Chili's. Hide and Seek was sooo weird. but sammy n i got to talk n recap on everythings that's been goin on. i've missed her. i hope we continue to hang out n this wasn't just a one time thing. then i came bak home, went online, n fell asleep till like almost an hr ago when mollie called then hadta go n told me she might call me later. now here i am haha ok well just updatin everyone on things..n by the way..mollie n i don't have sex n school n we're not engaged lol. it's a promise ring cuz i'm goin to indiana..make sense?? idiots |
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| and the world goes round |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|06:46 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  indifferent | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Frankie J feat. Baby Bash-Obsession | ] |
hmm haven't written here in a lil while. alrighty let's see. i've been tryn to get my clothes bak from the evil demon. i got bak 2 shirts n a jacket..thank u bitch u turned my blue shirt gray..like i said, don't wash them. i'm still tryn to get bak my a&f white sweatshirt n an a&f shirt. she's a douche. like my parents said, how the hell does she fit in ur clothes neways? she must stretch them out..n u know wut..she does. she thinks im gonna get a restraining order against her. my dad wants me to beat the shit outta her, but my mom n i know she'd call the cops for assault in a second. she made fun of steph for that shit n look whose calln the kettle black..stupid bitch lol. w/e so yah thinks w/my baby r good. sammy n mike got class couple. i'm so glad they did n not sum stupid "popular" couple that's been together 2mths like most of the electives were won by. steph called me "reagan" today at lunch. i mean she was only telln me that my thong was hangn out, but it was still nice to hear..i've missed it. i talked to jackie a bit online the other day. i'm goin skiing monday i think, we'll see how that pans out. i have work 2morra 4-cl n sun 2-9..blahh oh well i haven't had to work since mon so i'll deal. i got my $21 check today lol only worked 4hrs last week, fun fun. i'm goin ova mollie's tonight for a bit n then yah we'll see wut happends..it's vaca!! |
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| our vday |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|09:38 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | loved | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Cyndi Lauper-Time After Time | ] |
mollie n i named feb 12 our vday. the real vday was on a monday n we wanted to be able to spend the night holding one another..we made the 12 our day to celebrate how much we love eachother. so yes the 12 started w/waking up at motel 6 room 200 next to demonico n vicki. we had spent the night there b4 cuz demonico wanted her night. so that mornin we laid there till about 11:30 n got up n went to ihop. omg we were such pigs. i don't remember ever eating that much. i had 3 strawberry crepes, mollie had 2 panacakes, 2 eggs, bacon, sausage, n she n i split a blt w/fries. vicki had a sampler basket n she n megs split the blt. megs had 2 eggs, toast, bacon. it was a race 2c if we could eat everythin on the table..includn drinks. mollie n i so won! even tho all the food on the whole table was gone. omg it was amazing. lol so then we went to the bank n dropped vicki at her house n demonico dropped mollie n i at mine. i got the vday stuff n changed n got more clothes n off we went. we were gonna be all ambitious..but we ended up at her house sleeping. well we attemped to sleep, but it's hard to sumtimes;-) so yah after an hr mom called n had me get erin n monica from barnes n nobles. so we dropped erin, dropped mon n went to get the room..133 lol. we laid in bed just holdn eachother till a lil after 5. from there, we went to the mall n i got new choc covered strawberries cuz the ones i had bought were not so good lookn, she got a shirt n yah. then she had made reservations at 6:45 at macaroni grill. omg it was soo good. we didnt get in till like 7 tho cuz omg the parking was just wow. so we ate there, the dinner was amazing. the table cloth was paper over the actual cloth so the waitress wrote her name on it upside down. then mollie n i wrote eachother messages. it was so cute. we ended up rippn them off the table to keep. for dessert omg lol. i think mollie orgasmed from her cheesecake. it was really good. i had sum really good blend of chocolates in a martini glass..soo good. afta that we went to my house cuz i hadta print sumethn off. from there, we went to the movies n saw the wedding date..which was good. then we went bak to the motel. i had her wait in the van..haha yes i got the van for the night. i brought the roses into the motel n ripped off the pettles of 11 of them to make a path or rose pettles. the 12th rose i laid ontop of her pillow. i got her n told her to come n shut her eyes. i put the lights on n i told her to open her eyes. omg u should've seen her face. she cried. she was like omg i'm speachless i love u so much..it was amazing. she walked around for like 10mins just so happy. then she opened her chocolate strawberries n had that smile once again. i told her i had sumethn else to give her, but she told me she wanted to give me mine first. she had me open a bear n inside the i love u heart was a ring..white gold w/diamonds n pink saphire then of course the 2 boxes of chocolate n the dozen pink roses. she's amazing. then i had her sit on the bed n i pulled out what i had printed earlier..my promise ring speech. i had gotten her a white gold ring w/a white pearl, 2 diamonds n 2 blue saphires. i was starting to cry even before i read what i had written. she was crying too. i blubbered thru what i had written n gave her the ring. we must've said i love u2 eachother 20x. we got undressed n laid down in the bed of rose pettles. we were tired so only had sex twice lol n went to sleep. we awoke a few times this mornin, once to an evil wrong number, again a few times just simply by god's will for us to kiss n go bak to sleep. then we finally got up around 11:30. i didn't wanna go to soccer, but i hadta fake like i made the effort. i went home w/her to get directions n put the flowers in water n then went to her house n laid there for like 1/2hr. from there we went to market basket, joanne fabrics, cvs to get my first graders vday cards, wendy's for her to finally get her cheeseburger lol n then to chucke's to get my work schedule..then i dropped her off home. we had such an amazing time. i love her so much n it's times like these that u realize that the world is perfect the way it is. |
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| the human mind |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|05:26 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Yellow Card-Ocean Avenue | ] |
i wanna become a psychologist to study why ppl think they way they do. i mean cmon hasn't everyone wondered at one time or another y sum1 said or did sumethn? we all have! ok erin's damn cat is pawing my thighs right now..not kewl. i just don't understand ppl. jackie, steph, sam, jen, meg j, and meg d were my best friends at one time. jackie's gone cuz steph n i split ways, we really haven't made an effort in our friendship, i'm gay which aparently is unbearable, and i tell mollie everything. steph is gone cuz i didn't sit w/her at lunch cuz she tweaked about mollie. sam's gone cuz we don't have ne classes 2gether this yr n cuz i went out w/christina the beginning this yr. jen i kinda don't talk to that much. ever since anjali decided oh let's lie n make up bullshit to make colleen look bad n have jen hate her..jen n i haven't been that close. plus, she has paul now. pretty much everyone is involved with someone that takes up the majority of their free time..which isn't a bad thing. meg j was gone b4 my jr prom..the day of jr prom when the whole thing w/joe erupted. we see eachother occasionally, but nothin like it used to be. and now, there's demonico. she's been my bffl since 3rd grade, is now, and hopefully will continue to be. we bitch at eachother so much n there r often times we can't stand to look at eachother, but that doesn't mean we don't love eachother. idk it's kind of a shame i lost those ppl that meant so much to me, but i guess it's how lyf goes. i had never loved ne1 like i loved christina. it was all new. i had never been so gay in my lyf lol. she made me crazy jealous, we always fought, and she always made me feel so inadequate, like if i didn't have her i'd be nothing..but i loved her despite what everyone had to say. then it ended up biting me in the ass in the end, but now i'm happy. i have a loving and devoted gf..whom yes ppl say i'm pedifiling..get ova it..but she n i r so inlove. that's why i don't care wtf ppl wanna say about, she, i, or us as a couple. alright well i hadta say that n get that off of my chest. |
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| ehh |
[Jan. 25th, 2005|04:20 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Green Day-Boulevard of Broken Dreams | ] |
You know, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing insight
Why I am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
so yah these songs are how i'm feeln. i'm actually listenin to karma but w/e. i realized today that i only have one friend..demonico. she's both my best and worst friend at the same time cuz i only have one friend. i have mollie, n yah she's my friend, but she's my girlfriend n future wife so yah..as far as friends go, i have one. place the blame on me if u want, i'm sure i'm partially to blame. in lyf we make choices n it's from these choices that we develop the path in which we follow. my lyf is planned and organized..it's how i like it. a lyf of chaos and disorder would make me insane. i plan on goin to indiana for 4yrs n afta i graduate college, marry mollie. so yah afta ind. livn i was just like heh, lyf is funny, steph n jackie were my bffl, they hated eachother ova summer, n now..eh w/e to each his own. i suppose i should consider myself lucky that i have one real friend. i mean, that's wut they say, rite? i have a real friend and a true love. i've had my fair share of hs memories in which sum are in my yrbook. i know that i won't see anyone afta graduation. i'm the only one goin away for college. so i suppose my yrs in billerica haven't been so bad but now it's coming to a conclusion n i get to see whose real..sux that i only have one real friend but like i said, i should consider myself lucky for that. afta hs everyone goes their own way n makes their own lives. thanks to those of u who were apart of my billerica memories, they were great. :/ best of luck to everyone...even tho it's only january.
wut goes around comes around
wut goes up must come down
babe-thanks for always being the light at the end of the tunnel..u always make everything better. |
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| hmm im sleepy |
[Jan. 18th, 2005|11:39 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | The Postal Service-*^see above^* | ] |
im sleepy, but i left my english book in mom's car n of course that's the midterm we have 2morra mornin so yah that's always so kewl. so i hafta waste time till she gets home in a few hrs to study for a bit. lets see school 2day..gabdce..walsh, mollie walked me to study n of course past "the it in red" n then i saw her at hr for a bit then lish for a midterm which i'm almost done w/..then community service n it was fuckn freezn. i came bak n gave annie her ice coffee, saw mollie for a lil, dropped toner's coffee off in girouix, and went to food choices for like 1/2hr. i got dismissed from school early 2g2 counseling w/mom n dad. oh that was fun, mom is pretty wordy, but it seems she's on my side for the most part..tho we'll see how that goes. dad n i have another apt in 2 weeks..just us 2..fun times. then i slept when i got home, had work 6-c, tried calln mollie but i think she's sleepn, talked to christina for a bit but she was high lol n changed the hamster cage finally n now yah tryn to waste time eatn my blackraspberry ice cream w/gummy bears..yummm!! so yah 2morra is english midterms..i hate how we have school afta those, but yah ill drive mollie home n then come home only to have erin's hr teacher ms. griffin come ova 2:30-5:30 to tutor me for the sats on sat. see ever since i came bak from purdue n the coach said if i get another 100pts on sats i'll get 6,500 more per yr in addition to the 50% he's already offered me. so yes, school, school again till 5, then hopefully break..gnite everyone..damn u ppl who get to sleep n have already studied..i know im the retarded senior whose actually gonna study for midterms...maybe? lol
thank u for stickn by my side even tho i know sumtimes it pains u inside..it means a lot..
baby we're always n forever..as u say "love, love, love, and more love always".."tell me that i'm right to think that there is nothing better, than making you my wife and slowly growing old together.." |
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| afta xmas but b4 the new yr |
[Dec. 29th, 2004|10:29 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  flirty | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Adam Sandler-I wanna grow old with you | ] |
alrighty so wut's been goin on..to tell u the truth, i don't even remember. ok lets see, the 26th was the day of much snow. i love snow so much but drivn demonico n vicki to cambridge n bak sucked. but eventually we got to the motel around 11 n it was just a wonderful night. mollie n i eventually went to sleep around 4 afta being yelled at my vicki n demonico lol. the next mornin we ate at ihop n went to the mall. then i dropped vicki off at home, demonico at patty's n mollie n i chilled till like 11. we watched white chics n picked up eric's dinner at the 9's n saw jaclyn. so yah that was the 26-27. ok yes yesterday was the 28. i got jody her room n chilled w/jaclyn. she, erin, and i returned n bought new clothes. then i dropped erin off n joined jaclyn n her family for chinese for jack's "last supper" cuz she got her wisdom teeth out 2day n won't be in school for a week. i<3u jaclyn. so yah afta that i got chistina n we went to the mall for shakes. there i saw janice n mollie's friends who r really nice. just b4 leavn the mall i saw jess dickie. she's gettn a sex change n omg it's always soo good to see her. so yah then christina n i left n i dropped her off at mike's car. for all of u wondern, no worries, nothin happened to her so NO i will not hafta tell mollie nethin cuz once again, i am completely in love w/her hehe. so yah then i went to see mollie for an hr n went home, watched sum of sex n the city n went to bed. 2day i picked mollie up at like 10:15 n we chilled till jody had us go n check her outta her room. we kinda interupted she n joe..sry jode! then again, the maid did 2 lol. so yah afta that we dropped meg j n kim off at the 9's n went bak home to chill. then we got meg j's call to pick em up n we dropped kim off n took meg to work. we got to chill for like another hr. then we dropped mollie off at kory's n mom, erin, eric, and i went to the drs. i had my first GYN apt. it was weird, that's all i can say. then we got demonico n went to papa ginos n then the mall n now i'm here. i took erin to lindsay's to sleepova, took a shower, just got off the fone w/mollie. so yah im goin to bed cuz i'm tired. hope everyones vaca is as good as mine..but hopefully not as expensive. |
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| MERRY CHRISTMAS!! |
[Dec. 25th, 2004|12:14 am] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Yellow Card-Only 1/Transiberian Orchestra-Carol of the Bells | ] |
well it's officially christmas. doesn't seem it tho cuz there isn't any snow around to be found. tho i can't wish for much more. i've got my family, friends, a gf i'm completely in love with, a job, my car bak. it doesn't even matter so much wut i get for presents in the morning. tho this time of the yr does make me think about gram. i really do miss her so much. i was at work 2day bored at kid check n i was thinkn about her. there was this old woman walkn around n she had on the kinda shoes gram would wear. :*( i miss gram. it's so werid. her stocking was out on the couch the other day when we were puttn em up. her side of the presents won't be there come mornin. i should be used to this by now, i mean it's been wut a 1 1/2yrs. but i can't help it..i miss her. eh so yah 2day i worked 11-5 n got out at like 5:30. i was on the fone last nite w/mollie till 3:30. i didn't get to talk to her 2day n i prob won't 2morra either, so i just can't wait till sunday. i so hope everythin goes smoothly. 2day afta work i came bak home n have been here ever since. talked to demonico n jackie n said merry christmas. i watched saving helen..i think that's wut it's called w/kate hudson. it was good, i cried in the beginning. so yes the movie ended almost an hr ago. i wrapped eric's present n have been cleanin up n put out santa's drink n food. we were supposed to go to 9 o'clock mass 2nite, but that didn't happen. all that's planned for 2morra is openin presents n eatn xmas dinner. i hope we get outta goin to mass..i know it's xmas but still, it's boring. the family party is on sunday in norwood, but i hafta leave early cuz i have "other plans" hehe. ok well merry christmas to all and to all a good night! |
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| sleepy sleep sleep |
[Dec. 23rd, 2004|10:44 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Kelly Clarkson-Since You've Been Gone | ] |
i tried to update yesterday in the library, and i had finished this long entry n clicked enter n then the internet went down. so yah, that sucked. ill just pick up from yesterday. mollie came ova n she, erin, and i went to the kennedy to visit teachers. we saw mrs. beaudette, mrs. difria, and mrs. dougrey. the kids at mrs. dougrey's were so happy to see me lol. they're soo cute. then we came home to drop erin off n went to the mall n got wendy's. then we were home for a bit n dad was being a bitch so patty and demonico picked us up. mollie n i chilled in the bak n patty n demonico sang. then around 10 we dropped mollie off n i came home. dad tweaked on how we all hafta cancel our plans for 2morra(which is now 2day) to clean cuz he said so, etc. i was so mad n didnt know who to call n vent to, so i called christina. idk many ppl who are up at 11 n yah well i called her. we basically got into a fight n now her new yrs resolution is not to talk to me. so w/e i guess. idk she went from askn me to chill ova vaca to not talkn to me nemore..w/e i suppose. idk it's hard not to talk to her, but then again it's hard to talk to her..if that makes ne sense. so yah i went to sleep n woke up at 7am to mom being like "none of ur alarms went off! ur late for school!" eh w/e i dropped erin off n went to mollie's. we slept together for a bit n then got dunkins n then came bak here around 10:30. we chilled in my room till like 12:30 n then we dragged ourselves outta bed to drop her home. i went w/dad to get my car(which needs sum fixn still). then i went to see meet the fockers w/erin n eric, took erin to the 9's 2c her friends, went to meet demonico on her break, took mollie to her friends n bak here only 2c that the lights were out. they're on now, obviously so yah just laxn n i have work 2morra 11-cl(5ish) so w/e merry xmas everyone! |
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| hardest thing v. beautiful soul |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|08:22 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | refreshed | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Mya-My Love is Like Woah | ] |
how i used to feel..
Baby its killn me its killn u but both of us gotta b strong
i got sumwhere else 2b promises 2 keep
sum1 else who loves me n trusts me fast asleep
ive made up my mind
there is no turnin bak
shes been good 2 me
n she deserves betta than that
its the hardest thing ill eva hafta do
2 look u in the eye
n tell u i dont love u
its the hardest thing ill eva hafta lie
2 show no emotion when u start to cry
cant let uc what u mean 2 me
when my hands r tied n my hearts not free
were not meant to be
how i feel now..
i dont want another pretty face
i dont want just ne1 to hold
i dont want my love 2 go 2 waste
i want u n ur beautiful soul
ur the one i wanna chase
ur the one i wanna hold
i wont let another minute go to waste
i want u n ur beautiful soul
i know that u r sumethn special
2u id be always faithful
i want 2b what u always needed
then i hope uc the heart in me |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|08:18 pm] |
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oh i forgot to give credit to toner for makn my live journal look pretty, thanks toner!! |
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| just so u know.. |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|11:31 am] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | angry | ] |
my relationship w/mollie is between mollie and i..no one else. i don't medal in other pplz relationships cuz it's a private matter. i'm sorry but ur gonna hafta respect that. anyone who has a problem w/this, stay the fuck away..that includes my friends. no one has a right to medal into nethin that doesn't involve them. my relationship is not gossip. please, move on w/ur lives. it's senior yr. i had enough drama earlier this yr n i just wanna be able to relax from all of it. |
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| i want snow.. |
[Dec. 16th, 2004|05:41 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | relieved | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Edwin McCain-I'll Be | ] |
snow just makes everything better. w/e ur doing at the time, u stop n are just like "hey, it's snowing" n u admire its beauty. so yah 2day was alright. i bolted up at 7 this mornin n of course was late 2 school n of course b block hadta b first..the one i have my warnin in..n of course if i got one more tardy i'd get detension..so i dropped eric off at the marshall n then erin n i booked it inside. the lady at the senior house didn't check the tardy part where it said how many tardies u've had..so no detension, thank god. then went to lish..n she was like im glad u came cuz if u hadn't..yah i would've cumed out. i can't have another tardy or absence in that class till next semester..damn nazi w/the tardies, but w/e. then i had ahern..bitch, but we made butterscotch cheesecake bars n all the groups made sumethn different so we all get to eat em 2morra. then hr so i saw mollie n then e block which is so boring now cuz we've started trig n then i saw her b4 i left for community service. on my way bak from community service i picked up the pizzas from devito's n sum snacks from walgreen's for the english xmas party. so in english we had our food n watch the grinch. then was walsh n i talked to janice n toner n yah bell rang n i went to see mollie. god i love her so much. honestly, she's the best relationship i've had. i've had 36 relationships b4 her. some short, some long, some prude, some slutty, some loving, some loathing. i've fucked up so many times relationshipwise. i've been hurt, but more importantly, i've hurt others. i'm so so sorry for everyone i've hurt. if i were ever to lose her, idk what i'd do w/myself. i'm finally, finally over christina. we had a good time while it lasted, but time changes all things. i can officially say i am inlove w/mollie instead of just saying i love her. she's the most amazing person n i'm so lucky to be w/her. i only wish the same happiness for everyone else. in further news, i picked eric up from band practice, got a haircut, n now im watchn all the different xmas specials on tv, waitn for mollie to call, and possibly eatn some dinner.
make it snow...
"ur a brat"~mollie
"ur a bitch"~me
"i'm ur bitch"~mollie
hehehehe ;) |
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| just got a lil stronger |
[Dec. 12th, 2004|12:54 am] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | strong | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Britney Spears-Stronger | ] |
ok i stopped listenin to my depressing music, and looked at sum journals n u know wut..i love mollie. i can't keep lookn at the past an analyzing it. as ppl say, i analyze things way too much. the past is the past n i can't change it, but i can't change the future. i'm glad ur happy n that ur inlove. i'm not gonna say that i'm in love cuz i don't wanna lie. i wanna take things slow n steady w/mollie n eventually i will be inlove w/her. but in the meantime i'm glad that u've moved on completely. i'm gettn stronger every day, just takn it one day at a time. |
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| tell me again... |
[Dec. 12th, 2004|12:18 am] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Nick Lachey-On and On | ] |
ok so yah fri i had school till 11:40. english first, found out i got an A on my test, so that was sick. then met up w/mollie n walked her to gym n then i went to walsh n took a quiz which im sure i sucked on. then was hr n i went to mollie's locker, checked into martin n went to her hr..ms. luz! haha so yah mollie n i went to study 2gether. she really hasta get sum sleep, she was so tired. then we said bye to eachother cuz i had b lunch n she had c n i was gettn dismissed afta gettn my cap n gown for my official overnight visit at umass-lowell. so yah went to umass-lowell got lunch, chilled, got dinner, had practice 6-7:30, showered n went to diff dorm room parties. i went to bed by like midnight tho cuz yah i had like 1/2liter of bacardi n blah didnt feel like drinkn nemore n i was so tired. so yah i had my interview this mornin w/coach. mom did most of the talkn n then i went home, changed n went to work 12-5. i got out n chilled at home for a bit n then went out to eat at deli king w/the fam. then erin, eric, n i left while mom n dad went to get an xmas tree n we went to the mall xmas shoppn. i got for steph n jackie so that was good. we went to chili's n then home. now im here just chilln watchn tv n talkn to ppl..waitn for the mornin when mollie calls n we chill..1mth 2morra! hehe
</3my heart still beats for u
<3a whole new world..no1 to tell us no or where to go or say ur only dreamn....a whole new world..a dazzlin place i never knew but now were way up here, it's crystal clear that now im in a whole new world w/u....unbelieveable skies indescribable feeling... |
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| as the earth rotates.. |
[Dec. 9th, 2004|03:48 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Boys II Men-Nobody knows it but me | ] |
eh so i'm just here, kinda bored n w/e. school was good 2day. i pretty much spent the whole day yesterday w/mollie so it couldn't get much more amazing than that. lets see..2day..g block first, i slept n then saw mollie n walked her to gym. then was study n hr n i chilled w/her durin hr n then to ind. livn said our goodbyes. wrote notes bak n forth to jack n steph about a sensitive subj n then went to community service at the kennedy. those kids r so cute n they love readn w/me haha. so yah got bak to the school n made cookies in ahern's n then math w/frasier. he's such a nice guy, i feel bad that ppl give him such a hard time. then i went to mollie's locker n mine n dropped her off at work. erin had a bad day at school 2day so i was gonna take her to the mall n a movie, but she'd be missn dance..which would upset mom n ill pass on gettn on mom's bad side. so im gonna chill here, prob sleep. no more track for me, fuck it. i'm just tired, sum what frustrated, but then again very satisfied. |
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| i suppose everything is the way it has to be |
[Dec. 8th, 2004|10:36 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Mase-Breathe, Stretch, Shake | ] |
i guess everything is how it's supposed 2b. got up for school, got in afta the 1st bell, pat savage came to my locker n i hadn't talked to him in a while. he gamme a hug n then i went to study. i got in, sat down, mollie grabbed my arm n took me outside n up against a locker to make-out lol. we never made out in school b4. we came bak in n billy n catie were like "omg that was so hott" lol. billy was like everyone was slown down to look at u as they walked by. i was like wow, well i hope we put on a good show lol. study sucked a lil cuz she had chem hw that she hadn't done cuz she was on the fone w/me till 10:30. billy had gotten a pass to be w/catie n even liz had gotten a pass 2b w/jared. so mollie hurried to finish her chem n we managed to get 20mins of just chilln 2gether. at hr i went w/her to do recycling. we spent 1/2 the time lookn for cory. afta they were done, i had class near the main office n she had left her books there n we kissed n bryan n michelle n special ed lol were like aww n bryan gave thumbs up, it was funny. then community service n math class. christina had left b4 d block. i had kinda felt bad cuz i don't usually see her when i'm w/mollie n we saw her like 3x 2day when we were 2gether. idk when i'm w/mollie n ic her i feel kinda like im rubbn it in her face. i know it mike went to school w/us still it'd hurt 2c them 2gether. oh well, everything is the way it hasta be, right? so yah afta math mollie came up to the library n we walked around n ended bak at my english class n gamme a kiss goodbye, as always. then the end of the day i went to her locker as always. i don't wanna do track at all. yesterday was like a reality check into how much i hate track..i had forgotten how much it sux. she had detension w/reis cuz she chewed gum, so i walked her to reis..who had bus duty. by the time he got bak he just gave her a written detension to write x's on every other line for 20mins. so yah erin n sarah needed a ride home so i dropped em off at my house n then mollie n i got mcdonalds n sat in the office max parkn lot waitn for demonico to start work at 3:30. in the meantime, we uh chilled lol. then i dropped her off at susie's for sum bday present thing. i had just gotten home n my cell fone rang. it was her, susie wasn't home. so i went to susie's n picked her up n dropped her off. then i got dressed n drove erin n eric to dance n picked mollie up cuz she wanted to come to my fall awards ceremony..plus it'd be awkward if she went w/dad n i. so yah we were there till 9 n then went to mcdonalds. we were in the parkn lot till like 10..hehe n then i hadta drive her home. that part always sux she she hasta leave. we kissed goodbye as always, said our i love u's, and i went home. so now i'm here awaiting to either talk to sum1 on the fone or go to bed only to hurry thru g block n c her 2morra. though in closing, i don't regret nethin i did w/ne1. i would never ever take back loving someone. it's one thing to love, but it's completely another to be in love. i would never take back being in love for the world cuz it's the most special feeling a person could have and i love that i've experienced it.
</3 The Reason
<3*Breathe, stretch, shake* |
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| does ne1 really know me? |
[Dec. 5th, 2004|11:16 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | truthful | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | I Just Want You to Know Who I am | ] |
i wonder sumtimes. who is it that ppl see me as? there are the stereotypes in school, and we categorize them by preps, goths, populars, punks, potheads, etc. then there's the personality stuff. it's like oh she's so honest, or u can't trust her at all, or she smells, or she's so blonde, etc. i wonder wut ppl really n truthfully think of me. everyone has their good parts n of course their bad parts. i just wonder how ppl really see me. u know, not let their anger or admiration towards me jade how they really think. infact, rite now ill let everyone who i can think of know how i really feel..
demonico-we've been bffl since i was in 3rd grade. we grew up together n ur like an older sister to me. HOWEVER, u can get bossy and irritated easily n that can piss me off at how u think i always want sumethn from u. either way, we always "use" eachother as friends often do, but i love u milk.
steph-bffl since 6th grade. ur always there for me despite how mad or wut a bitch i can be 2u. ur so honest n insightful, i love that u sit n write poetry like i do n show ur emotional side. we've had so many good memories, infact, i can't imagine my yrbook list of memories w/o u. HOWEVER, ur a big flirt n perplexes me sumtimes at how u can fight w/costa so easily that it's almost as u like fightn w/him. oh n when u get mad, i hate that i can't talk 2u about it rite then cuz that pisses u off even more, n im the kinda person who likes to settle it right then.
jackie-dude bffl since frosh yr..spanish class baby, nueve mochilas, best friends are never alone, hit me w/that lazer gun. so many memories, ur so funny n smart. HOWEVER, sumtimes when ur jk n make sum bitchy comment, it really gets to me n i just kinda laugh it off. also, i hate that u can't accept im gay. idk it just bugs me despite w/e excuses u use..i hate it when ne1 can't accept im gay.
meg j-ur very pretty despite wut u think of urself..i dont wanna hear it, ur attractive, now get ova it! we used 2b so close n i remember how badly it hurt both emotionally and our friendship afta prom. u were like my other lil sister, and to this day still are, but u were a lil sister, a best friend, n my first gf at the same time. i won't ever be able to forget u. HOWEVER, sumtimes u can be very selfish n full of drama. u want me to be able to just drop everythin at the drop of a hat for u n if i don't u get all pissed. i try very hard at being ur friend n sumtimes i just get fed up cuz it seems like i'm not of much value 2u n then u call n i act all passive n u get mad at me.
jen-i'm so glad that u have a bf. u deserve it more than anyone, n i truly mean that. u have such a beautiful soul nvm appearence. ur just beautiful n im so glad everything has worked out for u. HOWEVER, since that anjali thing, we haven't been the same. we have our periods when we're close n then get distant again. it bothers me how u let anjali get between wut i thought was such a strong friendship, but w/e that's over now.
sammy-friends since art class frosh yr. leanne really did show us up so bad lol. oh well, we always had our sex talks lol..remember u used 2b so prude? now u could teach me a thing or two. i loved how u can accept everything about me n u know im specifically speakn bout my being gay. u never ever cared as long as i was being treated right. u'd even listen to the sexual stuff n be so happy that u couldn't stop smiln lol. the kid w/the hairy ass n thong girl..haha u n sousa got along so well n i miss a&p(never thought id say that) w/u. HOWEVER, wut i regret most is the time that we didn't get to hang out. this yr would've hurt us enough cuz we don't have ne classes 2gether. then i started being w/christina which just basically blew our friendship off the face of this earth. i've missed n i'm a lil upset that u couldn't get ova that i was w/her, but i understand ur motive.
christina-idk wut to say. i know u read my journal n i also know that u could either be in a vulnerable mood where ur like aw.. or u could be in a mood where ur like i dont miss u at all, i love mike, etc. but i'm chosing to state how i really feel so i guess ur gonna hafta accept it. when u imed me last yr n told me u were bi, it completely blew me outta the water. to tell u the truth i hadn't really liked u that much cuz i thought u were mean n spiteful n full of drama n lied a lot. then i got to know u. i fell for u. i hadn't really fallen for a girl like that since meg j. u were goin out w/andrew n we went out n it was fucked n yah. but i still liked u so much despite whoever u went out w/. i went out w/steph ova the summer n then we went to canobie n u were so determined 2b w/me. i remember sterling that nite n talkn 2u n demonico. u were so good 2 me the next day afta steph broke up w/me. then we went out n it lasted a lil ova 2mths. it was so hard goin bak to school n havn certain ppl know n others now. def not as easy as i thought. but to me, it only made us stronger cuz we went thru it 2gether. it made me crazy jealous when ud flirt w/guys n i'd know it. but yah, u broke up w/me for mike. i remember that day like it was yesterday. i remember readn ur pf at vicki's n it felt like a fire had just came about in my stomach, i wanted to scream n cry at the same time, i don't remember feeln so enraged ever. it was as if i could've ran to ur house in a seconds notice. then afta u n mike got 2gether, everythin w/us just fell apart. i grew feelings for mollie n lost a lot for u. like i've said 2u, u lost so much trust when u hurt me so deeply 2b w/mike. i can't ever forgive u4 that as i'm sure there are things ull never forgive me 4. i'll never ever forget u tho. i'd never been "in love" until u. u'll always have pieces of my heart that are ur own to keep n no1 elses. i'm not gonna sit here n lie n say u never cross my mind. u do, on a daily basis may i add. it's so odd sittn infront of u in class n wondern how the person bhind me really feels n wut they're thinkn n known that i once loved them more than ne1 in this world, known they felt the same way about me, n now known that it's gone.
toner-dude thank u so much for my job lol. kind of a pain in the ass sumtimes, but thank u neways. u always stick up for me no matter wut n accept me for me n listen to all my sexual lesbian stuff lol which is hard to stomach. i'm always here for u as an ear to listen..i mean cmon we've only known eachother since kindergarden! HOWEVER, ur big on drama 2 just like meg j n can sumtimes read too much into things n get into guys too quickly..careful.
mcgowan-friends since wut..4th grade i think. u rememember so much weird shit it's funny lol. dude i don't remember so many secrets u've told me or so many times u've valued w/me n i'm sorry for that. i'm glad that u remember havn good times w/me tho. u've always supported me in everythin i do n have always told me exactly how u've felt. thank u so much. HOWEVER, sumtimes ur 2 addish for me so i kinda go into my i'm tired, leave me alone, im a dork stage..sry if i've ever acted "too cool" for u.
jody-dude ur so funny. guy's bathrooms at bowling alleys are our thing! i miss that stuff. eggs grants house..or tomatoing it lol times at the playground, gettn high w/u n askn 2 finger u, my bad lol sry. ur just a riot n u've supported my gayness all the time. u've always listened to me even when u had no idea wtf was goin on lol. HOWEVER, i don't like the u n joe thing. i'm glad ur happy, that he makes u happy n vice-versa. i understand how u feel completely. just obviously the short time span between he n jackie n u n him, jackie got hurt n yah.
annie-dude we used 2b bffls bak in the middle school days. sry that i kinda threw u outta my lyf in 7th grade n made u cry. ur so funny n i love how we talk about our <3 lyf in walsh n get butterflies aka internal orgasms 2gether lol. HOWEVER, the reason y i dumped u as my bf was cuz that trip u went out w/me i got so mad cuz u couldn't ski like u said n then u liked my cousin n idk u just annoyed me lol sry about that. n like toner, i think u get attached to things that aren't there or that are but not to the extent u might think.
mollie-ok ur not even gonna read this but oh well i'll put u in here neways. i really do love u. i got my heart broken into pieces n typically afta that u go thru a slu of rebounds, but i didn't. i actually found sum1 i can really care for. u always listen to wut i hafta say, ur funny, ur smart, u know i could go on. HOWEVER, i will never like anime or cartoons for that matter. i won't like nethin japanese, i'm very fond of english lol n that camelot game 2day, yah just not me at all. also, as much as i love u n know it'll only grow in the future, i won't be able to forget. u'll learn, u fall in love few times in ur lyf. i loved christina w/everythin that i had n she'll always have sum pieces to my heart, so i appologize for those missing pieces. then again, she was my past, ur my present n future.
wow okay, im tired so yah that's all for now. it's the truth n if u wanna get mad at me for it, then alright, but it's how i really feel. go ahead, make fun, get mad, cry, etc..but i'm not gonna appologize for being honest. ppl think things n just don't say them for one reason or another..well i just said em.
do u remember yellowcard-only one?? is it a memory or a feeling??
<3i wanna just lay w/u, feel the warmth of ur body, to hear u breathe, see how peaceful ur n just smile at how wonderful lyf is. |
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| the world is good |
[Dec. 2nd, 2004|08:01 pm] |
| [ | how am I feeling TODAY?: |
| | glowing | ] |
| [ | A wonderful song to descibe the moment / get me through my day.... |
| | Ashlee Simpson-Pieces of Me | ] |
This mornin i woke up, got dressed, straightened my hair, convinced Erin to go to school, and off we went. I had math first. I got Jackie's English hw from her so I could copy it, so that's what I did in the beginning of math. Christina surprisingly wrote a note. Well, I wasn't really expecting it, but then again I half was at some point cuz I knew she wasn't as happy as she leads onto being. It basically read how she wants to be "us" again. I do miss our late night calls and the playground n stuff, but I hadta tell her I was happy n hopefully she realizes what she lost. I didn't mean to hurt her, although I'm sure I did. It's just how it is..you always realize what you had when it's too late. Anyways, I saw Mollie afta class, as I always do afta E Block. She walked me to English n we linked arms all the way there n she gamme a hug n kiss good-bye. English flew by. B4 hr I saw Bishop n she gamme a big hug n told me she loves me n told me she sees me w/Mollie n how happy I look. I love Bishop, she's awesome. Then hr I had some soccer meeting n then we got our superlative sheets. I had Walsh afta hr n we did 15mins of Verbal SATs n then I continued filln our my superlative sheet. Bell rang n I saw Christina who asked me to edit her college essay. She said she'd pay me, but nah it's k n then she asked 2b friends n yah that's kewl w/me then i went to study. I read her essay there. I didn't know whether to just edit it for her or to tell her the topic wasn't appropriate. Then I had lunch w/Mollie, which was cute. We held hands n were tickln eachother afta lunch n Jody was behind us n she was just smiln n we were talkn in Spanish n I was like this is my gf n Jody was like ah ic lol. It was funny cuz Mollie takes French. Then I had Ind. Living n we went to the library to finish our resumes. Afta that I saw Christina n told her I didn't think her essay was appropriate, etc. Then I booked it to Food Choices n took the test on bacteria..fun. Then I went to Mollie's locker n drove her home. It's always sad to part. We just held eachother for a few mins, occasionally kissn n otherwise just feeling n appreciating the warmpth..hehe. So yup, went home, took Erin to Burger King n came home to study for 4 HOURS FOR SAT IIs!! Finished at 7, ate dinner, dropped Vicki's CDs n CD player off, got a choc milk shake from McD's, n went home. Now I just talked to Jody. She made me happy, hehe lol. Look at wut she said: JoDy 05 QT: Im really happy for u colleen, Mollie seems like cool shit, like someone I would be friends with. And shes really pretty too so dont let her go lol
She's sleepn at Cory's 2nite, I hope she calls..n she betta b in study 2morra!
<3bitch lol
..i won't forget u or the memories |
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lookitsmee86's journal